Secrets of Fear

dsc_0097You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself. People are afraid because they have never owned up to themselves.”

-Hermann Hesse

Fear. That was my secret. I have seen it in all its splendor as it rendered me motionless time and time again. I was afraid. Afraid of myself (not as a danger too self or others, but as the potential to fail), my insecurities, inadequacies and frailties; I was afraid of the vast, endless amount of possibilities, the decisions, and the contrast between each possible path. I was paralyzed in the future, while having little presence in the moment. As I look back now I have no idea why? Why others have the uncanning ability to appear as if they motionlessly float throughout life without a hair out of place, while the rest of us rejects stumble upon pebbles. I know I was living in fear, but I learned that it was the fear of life itself that crippled me. Life is scary and painful. No…life is terrifying! There is so much that is out of your control, and little you have control over. Youth offers the illusion of possibility, while age slowly rips it from your grasp. Each misstep adding to the one before it as you build a future without even knowing where you’re going.

Looking back now that was the scariest thing of all. I didn’t know who I was. I realize now looking back few of us really do, ever, and we spend our whole lives in fear of ourselves, and the inability to own up to where we are in the current moment. We all struggle at one point or another with the paradox of confusion; not knowing who we are, but living a life that has created where we are. Does your life mirror your ideal self? A life that measures up to who you feel you are as a human being? Does your exterior reflect your interior value and belief systems, morals, desires, aspirations, and needs? My soul wasn’t in harmony with who I was as an individual. I was running from the person I was creating, at the same time getting further and further from the person I truly was. I wasn’t ready to own up to myself, and wouldn’t be for several decades later. Afraid no more, but still in search of the harmony that comes with the journey of self-ownership.

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