I feel like I’m running most of the time, but don’t know where it is I’m running, or possibly what it is I’m running from; searching, but don’t know what I’m searching for as if I know there’s something out there for me to find, but just can’t figure out the means to put together the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. One foot in front of the other…again, and again, and then again again. Then…I often end up stopping, and asking myself where in the hell I’m at, while having no idea how I got here or there.Why do we run when we can walk, pace when we can breathe, worry when we can let go; dying each day as we forget to live within each day that has passed.
I’ve realized that I’ve ran the majority of my life. Never completely satisfied with where I was, who I was, or where I was going. But one day, as they all come for each of us, I was awoken with the fact that I had wasted so many years striving to fit in to my surroundings, much the same way a chameleon hides backdrops of color. I had forgotten all about me, myself and I. Often we have a tendency to focus on the outcome, no matter what that outcome may be, while we blindly reject the appreciation of the process. We forget all about the creation, while concentrating all of our energy on focusing on the outcome, the goal, the end. Much the same way many would love to create in a manner that would touch the world, but fail to observe what the world needs. We have lost the ability to connect with the world around us because we have lost the ability to connect with ourselves. We talk but don’t listen, think but don’t feel, laugh but don’t cry. We have become numb to ourselves and our surroundings by searching for something to live for.
I eventually got to a point in my life where I realized I had no control over the destination I wanted to travel. I felt as if I was a twig that had fallen into a creek below, limp, as the current tossed me wherever it chose with little resistance or power to change course. It was only when I was tossed ashore that I realized my desire to achieve success in life through power differentials, influence, financial wealth, and intelligence was the creek below, and I needed to reevaluate where I was as I was drifting down stream. This stream was my life, and where I was scared me to death. I was sickened by what I discovered; the harder I worked, and the closer I got to the goal of success through educational hierarchy, the unhappier I become. Success did not equal happiness, and the pursuit of happiness, through seeking happiness itself, was actually an illusion; it was through the realization that I was soaked in unhappiness for finding myself where I was that opened the prism of realization. I wan’t seeking power but self-worth, influence but recognition, financial wealth but poverty, intelligence but wisdom. I was just never able to admit these things to myself before it was too late.
How often do we go through life as if we are in motion, a destination sought, or towards a point along the continuum, but really not moving at all? How often do we feel full, but know emptiness lurks within? How often do we portray happiness, when we know not what happiness is? Every search has a direction, a movement, that you have to consciously and completely believe in, or you will eventually circle back to where you started.
Though there is a way to slow down, and step off…
I took off my running shoes, and replaced them with sandals.